Yesterday's Fun Monday post got me thinking about my last moments. Initially, I thought I didn't have a problem at all with dying. My only regret about leaving would be that Aaron would lose the one person that he feels completely secure with. We have been trying to get him to go to Richard for comfort but so far, its still just me. I know its because I am the constant in his life and Richard only spends a little time in the morning and at lunch with him each day. If anything were to happen, it will be rough on Aaron but I know he'll adjust. I hate to think of the agony that he'll have to go through while adjusting. So now, in a roundabout kind of way, I guess I do have a problem with leaving.
An even more morbid thought than the one above is if anything were to happen to Aaron. I don't think I would be able to adjust. Several nights ago, I had a dream (more like a nightmare) where Aaron was taken away by another family. As if that wasn't bad enough, I spent some time during the day imagining things even worse than that. Imagining these horrible situations stirred up such vivid and even physical feelings. This must be how parents feel when they say they would 'do anything' for their child. In my brain, I've always known that as a mother, I will always protect Aaron. However, I never realized how deeply I felt about this and how much worry it generates. Maybe I have slow mother instinct development and I've been taking things for granted.
Suddenly, almost over night, I have heightened paranoia over kidnapping, disease, and accidents. Who will I call? Which hospital would I rush to? Would I rush to the airport instead? If there are no flights to KL, I'll have to find flights to Singapore. But that means I have to go via Jakarta. Would it then mean that I should just wait until the next flight to KL? Do I go into this panic mode for broken bones as well? OR is that over reacting? Would they still let us fly if he gets dengue?