A Successful Day

After being around for the past week, Richard left to go back to the middle of nowhere this morning. We're good at these transitions and fell back into our routine immediately. In fact, the day he leaves is usually my best day because I'm refreshed after a week of having some extra help around the house.

Today was especially 'good'. Just take a look at what these two got up to after dinner. They were there for close to 30 mins and afterwards, we played Snakes and Ladders before having another 30 minutes of quiet reading before bed. Well, Aaron and I were quietly reading a book each while Adrian noisily talked himself through five or six before going off to shoot down the ornaments on the Christmas tree.

I'm not counting on tomorrow to be the same. In fact, by the time Richard comes back again, I'll probably be sitting in front of the TV with them after dinner. I'm just enjoying today for what it was - a success for me.

The Ups and Downs of Mothering

Before I start writing about what I've been thinking about today, here is a photo from a very enjoyable time that we all had at the beach yesterday.

It was an extremely windy day but the two boys were more than content to dig holes in the sand, run for some water, fill it up only to see it disappear and then start all over again. I took the time to read a book while Richard did a bit of playing and then took the long walk to go get some lunch for us.

So that was an no fuss, happy and relaxed Sunday. The rest of my week is usually enjoyable too and Aaron and Adrian provide numerous reasons for me to laugh. BUT. They also push me to my limit, drive me insane with their numerous whiny requests and generally give me that tense jaw look a zillion times a day. By about 7pm, I am ready for some time without them. I can't wait for them to go to bed so that I can have some peace.

Surely I can't be the only mother that feels this way. (Or maybe I am. Oops!) Today, I was talking to someone about going to the gym and that person asked why I needed to go. I should have just said that I needed to do stay healthy or something like that but in the spur of the moment, honesty was blurted out and I said "Because I need to get away from Aaron and Adrian." Doesn't that sound terrible?

The truth is that when I'm attending a class at the gym, be it Zumba or Body Combat, I don't have any other thoughts in my head except co-ordinating my arms and legs and keeping up with the instructor. Its the same when I go clogging, I don't think of anything else. Even if one of them was sick (minor illness of course) at home, I don't worry about them and just enjoy being free of people needing me.

My honest response about going to the gym has been swirling around my mind. That person must think that I'm a horrible mother! And I feel horrible too for wanting to get away from them but its a necessity. I'm a much better mother after I've had that time to forget about them and just sweat away the day's frustrations. It just irked me a little that somebody might have this horrible, negative impression of me when I'm just trying to be a more pleasant mother.

Must Read Parenting Test

This was too funny not to share. The original was on The Living Gorgeously Blog.

Except for Test 1 and Test 14, I have definitely lived each of these situations at one time or other. Some of them, like the sleepless nights, messy cars and children's TV shows, have come and gone, probably to return when I least expect it. Others, like Test 2 about knowing it all or grocery shopping still crop up every now and then just to remind me they are lurking in the shadows.

There are 14 Tests altogether but take the time to read it and have a chuckle. Obviously, its nothing that any parent doesn't already know but it works great as stress relief after a day of living some of these realities.

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy 

1.Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2.Leave it there.

3.After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

1.Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2.Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3.Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10.Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1.Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2.Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5:Cars

1.Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2.Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3.Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4.Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5.Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going For a Walk

a. Wait.

b. Go out the front door.

c. Come back in again.

d. Go out.

e. Come back in again.

f. Go out again.

g. Walk down the front path.

h. Walk back up it.

i. Walk down it again.

j. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

l. Retrace your steps.

m. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

n. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11:  Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.

5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room & leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations

1.Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2.Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work

Toy Cleanup Training

Aaron is fantastic at cleaning up his toys. He mastered this 'skill' very early on and has accepted it as part of his day. In fact, he used to operate on the rule that he could have no more than three toys out at any one time.

Unfortunately, I have failed with Adrian. Its not that I didn't try but I think I didn't spend as much time following through with what needs to be done. And also, Aaron has always helped to clean up the mess that Adrian made. The result now is that Adrian plays with everything in the toy cupboard at the same. And when the time comes to clean up, he does nothing. 

Obviously, I needed to do something about this and over the past couple of weeks, I have started and adhered to a strict toy cleanup routine at the end of each day. When its time, I let them know, then I turn the timer on for 15 minutes. Once the timer rings, I walk around with the laundry basket and pick up any toys that are still out and keep them. Most of the time I forget to return the toys and only return them when the store room is full. Adrian did look like he got the idea and I was initially encouraged with his behavior. Then, the smarty pants worked out that he could sit back and do the bare minimum because Aaron would always pick up the slack. Aargh!! I definitely felt sorry for Aaron. 

So a few days ago, I started waiting for an opportunity to step up the repercussions. Finally, I saw Adrian carelessly discard a toy that he likes in the middle of the kitchen. Aha! In I swooped, picked it up, made a big show of it and then threw it in the rubbish bin. He was horrified and understandably upset. The good and bad to this little incident was that Aaron ended up feeling sorry for Adrian and helped him get the toy out of the bin and even washed it for him. 

The drastic move of throwing his toys in the bin actually backfired on me. The next time I kept his toys away in the store room, he came to clarify that I wasn't putting them in the bin and then was completely fine with them being taken away. 

Frustrating right? Why was it so hard to get him to pack up the toys. He has a perfectly good example in Aaron to follow. 

I had to step it up once more. Yesterday, I not only picked up the few toys that he didn't get around to. I also, took out all three drawers full of toys because he left the cupboard doors open. He wasn't paying attention when I did my rounds so he had no idea.

The look on his face was priceless when he opened up the cupboards this morning and saw them completely empty. These are toys that he mostly plays with so he definitely felt the pain. And for now, he's showing some sign that he is getting the idea of picking up his share of the toys. 

How long will it last?

What Do You Look Forward To?

During the morning drive to school, I asked Aaron what he was looking forward to today. Without hesitation, he said "Coming home and doing some gardening." I was a little bit disappointed that he didn't show more enthusiasm for school but perhaps its because he feels he's missing out something fun that Adrian and I might get up to at home.  He doesn't dislike school and unless he's sick, he never asks to stay home. I'm also pretty sure that he does enjoys the time in school and the interaction he has with his friends. He usually doesn't want to go home when I pick him up in the afternoons.

On my drive home, I thought about what I looked forward to in each of my very routine days spent chauffeuring Aaron to and from school and fitting in housework and cooking in between. Each night, before I fall asleep, I am full of enthusiasm for the next day. Full of good intentions, I often plan out all the educational and fun activities that I can do with the both of them the next day. Things are very different in the morning and I often find my patience running out before we even leave for school. 

This is about the time that I look forward to drive that we will have - fifteen minutes of the two of them strapped into their car seats. Its great if things go well and we have some funny conversation but its also OK with me if they decide to fight the whole way to school. I just turn up the radio and forget about them for awhile. Either way, driving is break time. I get optimistic again on the drive home and start to look forward to some productive time with Adrian. 

I try to spend the morning reading or doing some activity related to numbers with Adrian in the morning. Its exhausting and by 11am, I look forward to his nap time at noon. And during his nap, I'm recharged again and look forward to more time with him when he wakes up. 

There is a disturbing pattern here. I keep looking forward to time doing things with Aaron and Adrian but then when that time is the present, I look forward to the time that I get a break. I wonder if I ever fully enjoy the time that I am spending with them. Or is it meant to be that way? Fun, precious but exhausting times that can only be sustained in short bursts. 

So, those were the short term things that I look forward to. On the medium term horizon, and by medium, I'm talking about the week, I probably look forward to Thursdays. Its my favourite day because I get a night off and get to go dancing. And on the long term horizon, I definitely look forward to school holidays. Once again, I am full of grand plans for them. 

What do you look forward to?

Wisdom In Idioms?

I know this wonderful old lady who is 78 years old. She is witty, gracious and humble and I love chatting with her. She is wise too but because of her wit, grace and humility, its so easy to listen to what she has to say. And more importantly, I think I'll remember a lot of it. She uses a lot of idioms when she speaks. My lesson yesterday was "Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you. Weep, and you weep alone."

Today, my mother used an idiom on me. It is a Chinese one that I have often heard in the past. The literal translation is "Waiting until its urgent before looking for the bathroom." Obviously, this is applied to situations where you've left things to the last minute. 

My brother and I used to jokingly (but probably still rudely) refer to all the idioms that my mother and grandmother used as crap. Many of the Chinese ones are quite funny. For example, dragging the moon to the bottom of the ocean (i.e. an impossible task) and something about water rising up to your eyebrows. I can't remember the specifics I  know that somehow, the meanings from all the idioms are in me. I have a book somewhere that I'll have to dig up one of these days - a Dictionary of Chinese Idioms.

Actually, that day may come very soon because my arsenal of idioms to fire at my own kids is practically empty. I have a total of one at the moment but its not a Chinese one : "Whats worth doing is worth doing well." Oh, and those Chinese ones only work if you say them in Cantonese. This is so strange, how did I get to the point of wanting to become my mother and rattle of Cantonese idioms at Aaron and Adrian?

I Almost Ran Over A Child

It happened this morning at the carpark at Aaron's school. I've been thinking a lot about the incident today and wondering if I didn't look carefully enough. Honestly, I can't remember exactly how everything happened.

I'm pretty sure that I would have checked the rear view mirror and then looked over my shoulders to take care of any blindspots. Thankfully, I was reversing out at a slow crawl because I know there are always lots of parents and children walking around. I think what could have happened was that the little girl (about 5 years old), walked past the back of the car when I looked back to the front to check that I didn't turn into the car next to me. I'm supposed to do that right? I can't think of a way to avoid looking at the front of my car, at least a short while, when reversing out of a car park. When I looked back, I saw a lady about to cross behind the car so I stopped the car to let her pass. It was when she got to the other side of my car that I saw her speaking sternly to the little girl. The girl must have walked off without her mother.

I'll definitely be more careful from now on and I've also decided to park at another area where I know less people will be walking about. It should also be safer for Aaron and Adrian because there is less chance of them being in the position that the little girl was today.

What if I actually did knock that girl over? This has been bugging me a little all day. Was I too careless? Even if I did everything right and the girl, being a 5 year old, ran ahead of her mom, its not going to make up for anything if I ran over her!

On a slightly different note but still to do with kids and cars, a mother has been charged with neglect after she left her three children (aged 10, 5 and 3) in a car for 10 minutes while she went into a supermarket to pick up three items. She left the A/C and the car running. Under Queensland law, it is illegal to leave a child under 12 unattended for an unreasonable time without making reasonable provision for the supervision and care of the child. From the article, this lady does not sound like a negligent mother, just a mother that was probably made a very conscious decision to leave her children in a comfortable car and run in to pick up 3 items that she probably urgently needed. 


I'll admit that I've done something similar once. I left Aaron and Adrian in the car while I ducked into the post office to pick up a parcel. They were about 25m away and except for the time I had to speak to the lady behind the counter, I had my eyes on them. I think I took about 10 minutes as well. I didn't leave the car running because I was worried that somebody would come and drive the car and my kids away. 

At first glance at the article, I thought it was a little over the top to charge the lady with neglect. Just as I thought I wasn't wrong in leaving Aaron and Adrian in the car. But, the magistrate made a point that I didn't think of. She said that if something did happen, there would have been a lot of responsibility placed on the 10 year old. 

I've had a day of eye openers in terms of keeping children safe in cars. So much so that I probably drove a little too slowly on the highway (only 15km/h under the speed limit but I was still honked) while I was thinking about these things. That can also be hazardous to the children in the car. Sheesh!

Smartphones and Photo Locations

When we lived in Indonesia, friends and family used to ask me whether it was safe there. I think it was. We never did anything that brought any attention to us and I actually felt safer than I did in Malaysia.

The moved to Brisbane came with a definite sense of security. There was hardly any talk of armed robberies, break ins and snatch thieves. BUT, there was a lot of talk about cyber crimes and pedophiles. Initially, I told myself that I would try not to post photos of my children and definitely no photos that give away where we live. Slowly, but surely, I have put up more and more photos of the two boys. They're cute and I can't resist sharing that. Yet, I think I should be more careful.


I just watched this disturbing video about how photos from a smartphone come with information on location. Since I've been slow in jumping on the smartphone bandwagon, I hadn't really paid attention to this type of information before but it looks like this has been known for some time. Its scary stuff!

No Family Playdates For Us Yet

Today was one of the most exhausting days I've had in a long while. I don't know about other families but I think we're not ready for family playdates (is there even such a term?). We went out for the day with another family (they had two tween daughters), something that I remember my own family doing a lot of when I was a child. It was so much extra work!

Firstly, I made a mistake in agreeing to going in the one car (they had a minivan). So, the car ride to and fro was spent anxiously trying to turn the volume down on my two noisy kids. And, I've spoilt them by allowing them to have food in our car so they are used to that. This other family also eats in the car but I was so worried about the mess that my children would create that I spent the whole time reaching across trying to prevent spills and crumbs. It was a long day so by the end of it, all their usual misbehavior were magnified several times because they were tired and grumpy. The only thing keeping the peace was the food I was enticing them both with. Yes, a vicious cycle because I then had to try to keep somebody else's car clean.

If we were on our own, I wouldn't need to worry about a messy car. I also wouldn't worry about kids who are noisy because they are excited. And, I wouldn't need to worry about making sure that they were on their best behavior. I would be able to comfortably say "no" and not have to feel judged when there is retaliation to it. Is it just my kids or do children in other families also behave a little worse whenever there is company?

To be fair, I should say that they weren't all that bad. They were actually very excited about the day and were waiting patiently on the sidewalk for our friends to pick us up.

They started off 'good' and as the day went on, and they got more tired, things got a little harder to handle. I think it was more my own paranoia then their misbehavior. Its been a long day so I'm heading to bed early. Tomorrow is a public holiday and I'm hoping to have a quiet one at home with two well behaved little boys.

Parents Should Watch Their Own Children In Parks

Aaron and Adrian had a wonderful time at the park today. On the other hand, I had one of the worst days in recent history! It was meant to be a playdate between Aaron and one other little boy from school. We had this arranged from a week before the end of term but by the last day of school, everybody else knew about it and since it was at a park, everybody else was invited to come along if they were available. It turns out that not only did most people from Aaron's class come along but there were plenty of representatives from the other two classes as well. It was a fantastic day for the kids.

So what was wrong with my day? Well, another mother, one I barely know, asked if I would keep an eye on her two children because she forgot to pack their swimming things and wanted to go home to get them. The three bits of information she stressed on were 1) she would be 20 minutes, 2) the son sticks around Aaron anyway and 3) the daughter was 'good'. I didn't like the idea but I (wrongly) felt it wouldn't be nice if I said 'no'.  So I said "OK".

And, she left. The son constantly went in different directions from Aaron. The daughter was 'good' but she would not stop walking everywhere around the park. She did not stand still for one minute of the time her mother was away. Thankfully Aaron is the awesome five year old that he is. I eventually got him to continuously follow the other boy and bring him back to wherever I was. Adrian just followed Aaron wherever he went. I was on a constant lookout for a girl that looked like every other little girl there except for black leather shoes. It was STRESSFUL! What if they fell over? What if they got kidnapped? What if they wandered onto the road? OMG! Never again.

The 20 minutes that the lady said she would take turned into 90 minutes! There was no apology or anything for being so late. I think she might have made a detour elsewhere!

No matter how rude it sounds, I'm never going to agree to that again. I don't want to be responsible for somebody else's children. And, I want to enjoy my own. I want to be able to mingle with the other mothers without seeming distracted and constantly looking elsewhere.

These three photos were taken from where I was initially relaxing. It doesn't show up well in the photos but there were a million children running about.

View to my right. Climbing pyramid where I could easily watch Aaron and Adrian was happy to run underneath:

View to my left, its a flying fox:

View in front of me. Doesn't look like much but there is a water play area behind the slight slope you can see in the middle of the photo. 

So, do you get the picture of how big an area this was? Never again......

Oops! I've Forgotten ... A LOT!

I had to fill in a form at Adrian's speech pathology appointment and amongst plenty of other details, it asked for the ages that he rolled over, started babbling, spoke his first word, spoke his first sentence, stood up and walked. Uhmmmmm.....Hmmmmmm...I clearly remember him trying to walk with a stool at around 7 months and actually taking his first steps at 10 months. As for rolling over, there is a post somewhere on this blog about that but I'll need to look for it. And first words/sentences? I don't know! He's been talking for a long time and I often think that he talks too much.

What kind of mother am I? Should I have all this information at the forefront of my brain? And if not, shouldn't I have written them down somewhere? Somebody gave me one of those baby journals when he was born but there are only about six entries and the last one was when he was around 4 months old. If only I had stuck with that.

I think I made more of an effort with Aaron but that doesn't mean I can remember each of those ages. I have it written down somewhere, maybe spread out over several somewheres. I wrote him a letter for each month of his young life for about a year and a half but guess what? Hard disk crashed and I had deleted the backup off my external hard disk to make room for more photos. This blog is about the most reliable place for me to go and look up the past.

I feel bad about this. I know I'll have wonderful memories about their early years but these are general memories with the occasional specific incident here and there. Somehow, it feels as if this is not going to be enough when I'm old and sitting alone in a nursing home somewhere. I suppose I'll just have the thousands of photos and video clips of them played on slideshow in my room.

A commitment needs to be made but I dare not make it now. Nearly two years ago, I started working on photo albums for each year of Aaron's life but I have nothing to show for it. These precious little beings are my life but by that very fact, they take up all my time and I'm not sure I'll ever get around to preserving some sort of account of their childhood for me to savour once they are grown.

Here's an example of the simple things I'd like to remember in years to come. This was taken yesterday when they were out in the garden looking for bugs. Adrian looks like he's in his PJs but thats actually just a big shirt made from very light material to help protect him from the sun. The hat he's wearing was one bought at Pangkor Island for Aaron. Its a girl's one and originally came with two fake plaits down the sides. Aaron really is in his PJs and he's wearing the Superman cap that a close friend of mine gave him a couple of years ago.

Oh, and maybe Id like to remember that we always had to eat sweet potato leaves because they grow like crazy in our garden.

Mama's Day Off

Ah, Saturday. It has neither been a day of excitement nor a day of relaxation but its been a good day for me.

All four of us went along for Aaron's trial gymnastics class. Hold on, its conducted at a place where they teach gymnastics but the class he attended was actually called 'Ministunts'. It was our first time there and it appears that only the little girls do 'proper' gymnastics. The boys are all in this stunt class where they have structured muck around time. Among other energy spending activities, they had crawling races, practice falling on the side of their face, time on the trampoline and somersaults. Needless to say, Aaron loved every minute of it and it looks like I'll be signing him up officially.

I enjoyed the one hour watching Aaron play around because I didn't need to keep Adrian out of mischief. This is the reason why I've had such a good day. I've was relieved of most of my mothering duties and Richard took over for the day. To make it even better, I've been able to stop myself from telling Richard how to do things for the children and leaving it completely up to him. It doesn't really matter how he gets it done as long as they don't get seriously injured, they get food and drink, and they both get a bath. If the house ends up in a mess, thats not a problem either because Richard is in charge of cleaning it up. Am I lucky or am I lucky? Oh and don't forget that he also got dinner ready. It was one I prepared earlier but he did all the re-heating and cleanup.

So, are there people out there who think this is not fair? Perhaps some people think that he's been hard at work all week and deserves some time off too? I don't want to know. The break I needed wasn't so much from the physical aspects of my job but from that 24 hour neediness that I am surrounded with. Needs from little people that are relentless.

I just did a quick search for 'relentless definition' to see how specific it is and it is exactly the word I needed to use.

re-lent-less
Adjective:

Oppressively constant; incessant. Harsh or inflexible.

Synonyms:

merciless - ruthless - pitiless - unrelenting

So after a day of some relief from my 'merciless, ruthless and pitiless' little bosses, I find that I miss interacting with them and am ready to get back to the job.

Latest update from 5 minutes after I clicked 'publish' the first time:

This is how Richard kept them entertained while I blogged.

We Will Speak Mandarin

For the second time this week, a total stranger has triggered the feeling of failure in me. The first was the dentist and the second, the audiologist we met with today. I had to take Aaron for a follow up hearing test and the lady casually asked if he spoke a second language.

"No...I tried. I had the best intentions. He probably understands quite a bit but he doesn't speak any Mandarin."

Up until now, I have placed the responsibility of teaching Aaron, and now Adrian, a second language, squarely on Richard's shoulders. After all, he is the one that grew up with Mandarin as his first language. This is the only language his father speaks which made it quite awkward when we visited in December. Richard also went to a Mandarin speaking high school. So, its his language! He THINKS in Mandarin.

On the other hand, my parents speak to me in English. Apart from the smattering of Cantonese that I speak with my grandmother and kindergarten level Mandarin and Malay that I picked up from living in Malaysia, English is my only language.  How am I expected to surround my children with Mandarin?

It is with envy that I observe other mothers conversing solely in their non-English mother tongues with their children. I want to do that too but I'm going to need to learn the language first. I can't wait for Richard because he doesn't seem to be around enough to be effective. I have to stop my half hearted attempts to raise bi-lingual children and get serious about things.

So, I started last week. Unfortunately, Pimsleurs Mandarin lessons are very much for the traveler and are not giving much vocabulary for disciplining children or answer their hundreds of questions each day about the world around them.

We also have a set of childrens story books that build mini stories from some of the simpler characters. The boys and I read through these each day but I'm worried that they will get bored of that soon. I'll be stuck for material then and maybe have to make some of my own. EEK! I have also convinced Aaron to write a page of Chinese characters each day and he has been good so far.

I feel quite self conscious when we are out and about and I speak to them in Mandarin. If the people around me are not Chinese, I'm a little more comfortable but if they are, I try to whisper. Whispering doesn't work with these two boys so I inevitably fall back to English. Its terrible to look Chinese, have Chinese looking children and not be able to speak Chinese. Especially these days when there is so much emphasis on this second language business.

Anyway, I've set is as one of my major goals as a parent. Its going to be a miracle if I actually end up making them Mandarin speakers but at least I'm trying.

Stress Free Parenting

Is it possible? Somebody please tell me. Has anyone gone through an entirely frustration free day where each road block from a child was met with a smile and a calm voice?

Seriously, some days, when I just can't keep it calm at home and everything is crazy, I literally feel big wrinkles digging their way into my face and grey hairs pushing their way out from my hair follicles. I've taken to telling myself "Its no big deal, other kids get like this too. No point growing old over it."

As you can see, I'm still hungover from the holidays where I didn't have Richard's help with child care each day. I feel very disorganised and tense. Its impossible not to notice the calm mothers at Aaron's class gate during pick up and drop offs. They seem so peaceful and their children so obedient. Are they really like that all day? On the other hand, I have to admit that there are the mothers with the permanent furrows on their foreheads and kids that are definitely not cooperative. Thankfully, I think I'm somewhere in the middle, but I can feel a definite force pushing me to the dark side.

I want to be one of the calm ones. If only I could follow them around for a day to see if they just pull it together for the pick up and drop offs or they manage to keep their cool all 24 hours of the day. I suspect that it probably isn't calm all the time but maybe they do have most of their day under control.

The one common thing that I've noticed is that they never seem to be in a rush. Kids are unloaded and loaded into car seats at a very easy going pace. The long walk from the car park to the classroom is more like a stroll through park lands, observing and exploring along the way. The pick up after school often begins with a short chat about the day, sometimes a few minutes in the playground and then the stroll back to the car.

So, this is the first step that I will be taking in an attempt to reduce the spikes in stress levels in this house. I have no boss and I don't have heavily scheduled children so I'm just going to take it easy. Before jumping into this, I've started telling myself that it may mean that I must not rush to get things done so that I can have a few minutes to myself. The reward of a calmer environment and more co-operative children may eliminate that need for time to myself. Right?

When Did I Become A Referee?

I don't like barking like a dog or stomping around like the irate mother that I sometimes am. Despite the age difference I have seen them play extremely well together. So, its not like I'm asking for the impossible. But these two boys! Why don't they just do that the whole time? Why do they need to provoke each other? Isn't it more fun when you have a happy playmate? And then, why change a calm and peaceful game into some risky, jump off the side of the house, super hero game? (No need for anybody to answer these questions...)


Anyway, I often find myself suddenly jumping up and yelling out commands. Or stomping up to them and taking something away. Its not a nice feeling and I'm sure it doesn't look pretty. Yes, there is always the option of calmly voicing my opinion but I'm not good at that yet. There is good news though...


I had a brilliant idea this afternoon. And I think that they (or at least Aaron), might think its a fun game to play for awhile. 


Firstly, I realized that I have a new role. Take a look at this definition from Wikipedia...


A referee is the person of authority, in a variety of sports, who is responsible for presiding over the game from a neutral point of view and making on the fly decisions that enforce the rules of the sport. 


Supposedly I am the person in charge here and the antics that these two boys get up to each day can well be classified as some sort of sport. I try to be neutral and the decisions are definitely on the fly. The rules are probably not as clear cut as professional sports but everybody knows there are rules. 

Now back to my latest parenting idea. Its a small step and is extremely simple but I think that with the right introduction to it and a few fun rounds, it might help me out. I'm introducing the Yellow and Red card system. 

You don't think a whistle would be too much like Captain von Trapp do you? 

Back Talk

As far as I can remember, the thing that I got in trouble for most as a child was back talk. Or, as my mother would call it, "Answering back".

These days, I am hearing the words "Stop answering back" come out of my mouth more than I would like. To add more answering back to the answering back, Aaron asks "What do you mean by 'answering back'? I'm just answering you!"

Thats actually a tough question to answer. When you think about it, 'answering back' is what people do when somebody else speaks to them? No wonder he was confused when I told him not to. After a bit of Googling, it looks like the correct term is actually 'Backtalk'. (Thank goodness I didn't know this as a child or I might have been tempted to answer back my mother with "Its not answering back, its backtalk." I can just imagine the split ends of the rattan cane that she used. SCARY!)

So back to Aaron's backtalk. So far, its not usually rude. The most common responses I hear from him are 'Why?' and 'Why not?'.

Of course, out of irritation and exasperation, I do tell him to be quiet and not be rude but I know I'm not always fair. I don't like playing the "because-I-said-so" card but I have when I just had to get going or get something done. Supposedly one of the ways is to give them an opportunity to explain themselves first, and then, the parent explains the situation and what needs to be done. That would take ages!

I guess this is just another aspect of motherhood that I'm going to have to deal with. These boys won't stay sweet and innocent forever. I'd better come up with a better strategy that the "because-I-said-so" one. Maybe modify that you-explain-I-explain strategy into a bullet point format.

Grossness With Grace

Sometimes, I have to be gross. So if you're eating or don't feel like going 'EEWWWW!', you'd better come back another day.

Its a dirty, dirty job but someone's got to do it. Yes, of course I'm talking about motherhood. Everybody knows that along with the baby comes dirty nappies and spit up. But nobody can really imagine the type of gross situations that these little ones can put a parent in. So, this post may be gross but its also part of every day life in many households.

So far, I've had 'EEWWWW' situations like finding a smear of you-know-what next to Aaron's lips.

And, I've also had totally gross panic-turned-to-sheer-horror situations like when I thought Adrian was bleeding in bed next to me only to have my hand quickly covered in squishy you-know-what as I tried to check for where he was bleeding from.

After 5 years of work experience now,I think I've graduated from the Grossness Class. I may still think 'EEWWW!' to myself but those gross situations are handled as easily as wiping a snotty nose. There is no more apprehension, gagging and general squeamishness.

Last week, we had a nappy that wasn't fastened properly. This was only discovered when I noticed little brown gobs polka dotting the floor. It was a Modern Cloth Nappy which actually ups the grossness factor when it come to cleaning up. And don't forget that its winter here and Adrian had track pants with the tight ankles on. But, I didn't feel any stress about it at all. Lots and lots of wet wipes got Adrian and the floor cleaned up in no time. High powered spray of the clothes got that mess sorted.

And today, Adrian cried so hard that he vomited all over my lap. That cheeky little guy managed to keep himself completely clean. Immediately, Richard tried to take him away so I could clean up but I said "No no, he's too upset. Let him get happy first." I had him on my hip for a good 10 minutes after that, cuddling and playing with him. The smell was awful and it looked disgusting against my black pants. In the end, it was Adrian that pulled away and I think it was because the smell was getting to him.

I honestly, did not feel even the tiniest bit disgusted with all of that smelly stuff on me. That realization felt incredibly strange and I felt a strange sense of pride. I'm one of those experienced mothers. The disclaimer here is that I think my new powers only works if the situations were created by my own children.

C'mon parents, leave me a comment about your most disgusting situation.

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

I don't look for poems to read but every now and then, I come across one that really speaks to me.

This poem by Diana Loomans was in the second chapter of the book "The no-cry discipline solution" by Elizabeth Pantley.

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again
by Diana Loomans

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I'd do less correcting, and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less, and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging, and less tugging.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd teach less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

I don't need a grown child to realize that I want to enjoy and absorb every second of Aaron's and Adrian's childhood. Just thinking of Aaron turning five in a few short days is enough for me to miss his early years.

At the same time, I can't leave it up to Adrian to smack himself and need to get better at my disciplining skills.

Parentopoly

I went to a parent's session at Aaron's school yesterday called Parentopoly. They run these sessions several times each term to give parents the opportunity to have discussions on how to best deal with various parenting aspects and to perhaps open our minds to how other people might approach common situations. The principal usually conducts them and while there are of course no right, or wrong answers, he provides some guidance on what a Montessori approach to the various situations would be.

Parentopoly is a game that the principal invented where we put out some numbered cards on the floor in a random path around the room, roll a couple of dice and each person moves themselves along as a token. We had to turn over the number card where we landed, read out the situation and then say how we would respond to each of those situations.

The rule was that we couldn't PRAISE, THREATEN, BRIBE, REWARD, or PUNISH.

From memory, here are some of the scenarios that came up.

...Your child does the dishes without being asked.
...Your child bites another child.
...Your child is not invited to a birthday party.
...Your child brings a drawing to you and asks if its beautiful.
...Your child draws a picture of some very lifelike animals.

I got the biting one and I am thankful for that. All it needed was an explanation. The other ones, especially the ones that we might automatically shower praise for, were quite tricky when the discussions started going.

For example, saying 'WOW' to the lifelike animal drawings was ultimately deemed not the best response. Neither was saying it was 'good' or that you were proud of the child or that you were impressed. My automatic responses were all triggered by the theories of timely recognition and positive reinforcements. What do I do if I'm not supposed to do that? Why don't we do that?

I could see that some of the newer parents were also confused but the parents with older children (and who also had been with the Montessori environment for some time) gave the impression that all this was natural and that it works out best and that they ALL implemented it on a daily basis.

By the time I left, I was confused, intrigued, and maybe feeling a little guilty. I gathered that the rationale is that you don't want to rob the child of the satisfaction by deciding for them that something is fantastic. You don't want to teach them to need approval. They should be self reliant and also derive their own sense of approval for a job well done. (Several week's ago, there was actually a program on TV on how all the praises heaped on children, whether deserving or not, was contributing to a generation of narcissists.)

I liked what I was hearing but I was barely understanding it and I absolutely couldn't see myself not using praise in those praiseworthy situations. What do I say? So I went online when I got home and it was very interesting reading. I found this article on the 5 Reasons To Stop Saying 'Good Job'. There was also another link that offered some insight as to how else a parent can deal with such situations. The simplest one being "You did it!"

There are merits to the Montessori philosophy and I do agree with many of their points but I still believe that there can be some place for praise in a child's (or an adult's) day. I don't believe in pouring it on all the time but surely it is possible to keep in mind all the points about nurturing a child's own self satisfaction while giving them realistic pats on the back every once in a while. I'll definitely be more careful with my choice of words and not use anything too over-the-top like "you're the best artist I know of".

How would you handle some of these situations?

p.s. There was mention of grandparents at the Parentopoly session and supposedly they are allowed to say whatever they like because children know that different rules apply to them.

Birthday Party Paranoia

So far, I've organised three birthday parties for my children. We invited quite a few people to the ones in Palembang but I would still classify them as simple, traditional, kids birthday parties. I didn't spend an exorbitant amount of money on them and we played games like pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey and musical chairs - games I remember from my early birthdays. The party we had for Adrian last year was also a simple one with home cooked food and a few family friends.

Since Aaron started making new friends this year, I have been getting a little paranoid about birthday parties. Both the possibility of him being invited to one and also the expectation that he might develop to have one when his birthday comes round. My irrational fear was spawned from reading several articles about how elaborate kids birthday parties have become - themes, invited entertainers, rented playground equipment etc etc etc. I know not all are like this but it still made me partially hope that Aaron wouldn't get invited to any - yes, mean and selfish of me. What if he did get invited to some super duper, fancy schmancy, party and then expect that all parties, including his own, are that way?

Well, the day has come - he received an invite last week. I guess its good in a way so that I'll know what the reality is like instead of letting my imagination carry me away.

The invitation has opened up a new challenge for me though. I told Aaron that when you go to somebody's birthday party, you have to bring a gift. He said "Of course I know that! Maybe I can buy him a little car."

The background to the little car is this : Several months ago, Aaron used some of his own money, $2, to buy a little plastic police car. The money he has is from coins that he sometimes finds around the house. I haven't started the whole pocket money thing yet.

Anyway, the point is that he very honestly and generously intends to use his own money to buy something that he, as a four year old, can afford. He didn't even have any expectation that I would buy a present for his friend.

I like that. And I haven't said anything to him about it yet.

The problem is, I'm not sure how much his friend or his friends parents are going to like it when they unwrap a $2 plastic car present.

If only all the other kids would do the same thing. Just take a look at this list of lessons that can be taught from it :

1) Children learn the value of money.
2) Children learn to save.
3) Children may learn to give a hand made gift instead of a store bought one.
4) Children learn the joy of giving - I don't think it has the same effect if mom bought the present.
4) Birthday child stays grounded because the gifts are probably going to be simpler.
5) Birthday child may learn that the fun of the birthday party is more in the shared time with friends.

I'm going to go ahead and let Aaron buy a gift with his own money but I definitely feel the (peer parent) pressure to top it up with a second gift just so we don't look cheap. But really, why do I need to? The party is a month away and if I come up with something that will be appreciated that can also be made by Aaron (and me), I might go with that.

*sigh* Mountain out of a mole hill here!

p.s. My next post will probably not be until next week sometime. We're all going to Sydney for the week. Holiday!!