"Old People's" Radio Station

I can distinctly remember feeling very grumpy in the car because my mother wouldn't let me listen to the radio station that I liked. She was driving so she got to pick what we listened to - music from the 60s or 70s (I wouldn't know) and lots of talking! This must have been when I was about fourteen and I can also remember wishing that the same song would come on the radio, over and over again. The DJs were hilarious and didn't talk about boring stuff like healthy eating or a cash only lifestyle.

Well, that was twenty two years ago and I think I have officially switched over to the "old people's" radio station. I tend to switch between two radio stations. One of them has a tag line of "music from the 80s, 90s and now", which makes me think that this is probably the equivalent of whatever my mother was listening to. The breakfast and afternoon pick-up time broadcast almost always talks about something to do with family, health or finances. The other radio station I flick to plays the latest hits, repeatedly. I do like quite a bit of the music that comes on but I don't like it that I sometimes hear the same song three times on the same day. Also, the DJs there all sound like they are twenty and sitting around with their friends at a McDonald's. Today, the big discussion was what one of them should do with the tombstone that he came across while out jogging in the morning.

I definitely prefer the" 80s, 90s and now" radio station and probably only listen to the other one because of some hidden desire to be in that targeted demographic again. When did I get this old? I have become who my mother was. Radio stations aren't the only thing that I've noticed about my ageing process. There is also sensible clothes and shoes, the yearning for uneventful days spent at home and the desire to wake up early. Notice how they all can be tied to the arrival of children? Maybe I'll grow younger again after Aaron and Adrian have moved out but by then, my body would have been permanently aged and I'll have to deal with physical "old age".

It must be the tiring day I've had dealing with yet another round of illness in this house that has brought on this bleak outlook of the future. I'm sure its not going to be all that bad.

Observations From My Clogging Class

I'm a very confused person sometimes. I grew up here but I also grew up in Malaysia. I can see how life works both here in Australia and Malaysia but I'm not an exact fit into the cogs of either country. Yet, I don't feel out of place either. If I want to fit in with a bunch of Malaysians, I just need to start talking about food.

Fitting in with the Australian's is what I'm blogging about today. This is definitely not how all Australians are and I don't want anybody out there getting offended or taking this as the absolute picture of what life with Australians is like. I'm going to limit this to the context of my clogging class.

Each Thursday, I meet a wonderful group of older ladies at both my clogging class. By older I mean waaaaaaay older than me but they are are all energetic, witty and positive. Positive is the key word here when you start chatting with them. Everything is wonderful, beautiful, fantastic, great - POSITIVE.

It reminds me of a satirical book that I bought for Richard when he first started living in Australia. The book was titled "How to be Normal in Australia" and there is a specific chapter on how no Australian will ever admit to life being in the dumps. Their house could have burnt down and they might have broken all the bones in their body but if you ask them "How are you?" the answer is inevitably going to be "GREAT!".

So back to those ladies. I don't know if it starts off as half-baked positive attitudes that infect each other and then work to generate genuine positive energy that feeds back in to the system or what but they are always upbeat. And, talking to them always seems to make me feel more upbeat too.

This is all good right?

Now here comes the strange bit. They are never that upbeat about their clogging. Even when they can do it! Maybe this is what makes them so likable. There is never any boasting or any remote showing off going on. If anything, there is effort put into projecting an image afterwards that the are unable to do the dance.

Most of the time, I just go with the flow and be one of the crowd.

Every so often, I just can't do it. Now comes the part about me not fitting in with the group. It happened last night. We were doing a hard dance, everyone was struggling but we were making progress. They were there complaining and whinging, being very negative. I didn't join in and was having a drink at the side but you can see that they really wanted to do it and its within their capabilities but there was all this "I can't do it.", "There is no way I'll every remember that." and "This is torture."

I wonder why all that upbeat and positive energy doesn't carry through in situations like this? Why isn't there a "Let make it happen" attitude? Wouldn't that be more fun?

I don't worry about being excluded because my age does that naturally for me. If I get a step and don't complain about it, they come up to me and say "I wish I was your age again." And then its my turn to become all upbeat for them!

So thats my observation of a small snippet of the Australian attitude.

I Suppose You've Past The Big Three-Oh

I met my old piano teacher for lunch today. She's not really old - sixty four (I think). I just use 'old' because I stopped my lessons with her fourteen years ago.

She used a lot of that word today though. For some reason, she kept saying that once you past sixty, you're living on borrowed time. Perhaps its because she's going through some stressful times at the moment or because her sister has a couple of cancers in her. Whatever the case, I felt so sad that she was having such a hard time.

I tried to keep things upbeat and talked about how everyone is living longer these days. She then reminded me that it was like yesterday that she would come pick me up to go for master classes. All that time passed so quickly and today, I picked her up and took her out to lunch. Thats when she said "I suppose you've past the big three-oh". (Yes, I have. Oh No! I'm halfway to the big six-oh!) If the next fourteen years pass by as quickly as the last, its true that she's going to gone in another blink of the eye. And so will many other people I know. What morbid thoughts!

Its strange to go from a teacher-student relationship to one where she tells me things about her family and her life. She's a friend. I like this grown-up relationship but I'll always have that respect for her as my teacher. At the same time, it makes me feel bad that I have such an easy life and have few worries while she's grown 'older' and seems to have so many. She's spent her life teaching and caring for others, shouldn't this be the time that she starts to be cared for and relax? The big six-oh for her seems to be taken like the end of the road.

Its a reminder that there are people less fortunate than us. Its also a reminder to make every day count. I wouldn't want to reach the big six-oh and feel like there is no time left to make my life worthwhile.

The Male Brain

I'm reading a very interesting book entitled "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian. You can probably guess that its a parenting book to give me more insight into how I should treat the two boys. The very first chapter is dedicated to describing the differences in the male and female brain and how this affects behavior and so parenting styles for sons and daughters.

I've read the whole chapter. Its full of interesting facts and I now have more 'excuses' for the way my sons behave. BUT. The one point that stands out the most from this chapter is related to the grown male in my life and not the baby ones.

"Overall, brain research has shown how the female brain is at work in more sections than the male just about all the time.....To use an analogy: the male brain turns on, like a machine, to do its task, then turns off; the female brain is always on."

The male brain has an On/Off switch and I guess sometimes its a little sticky and stays on the 'Off'. Well that answers a lot of questions for me!

This On/Off mechanism is also supposedly the reason why males are not as good at multitasking. Males are very task-oriented, but its one task at a time.

Richard is definitely a one-task-at-a-time man. On the other hand, I am very pedantic about efficiency and I almost think of the various tasks in my days in the form of a Gantt chart.

Something else that will answer many people's questions is this little paragraph:

"Boys and men take in less sensory or "proximal" data than girls and women. They smell less, taste less, get less soothing and input from tactile information, hear less and see less."

Hear less AND see less !!

So that's why he can't find things in the pantry and doesn't respond when I tell him where it is! I keep talking to Richard about what I've been calling "peripheral hearing" and it looks like he has had a valid reason all along for not having any!

At least now I have an answer to my question "Why can't you do like I do?". The next step is accepting it :) I should just think more like a male and just look for the end result. After all, its not my aim to parent my husband.

* PRIVATE * Keep Out *

Up until 4 years ago, I never gave much thought to privacy. I'm referring to my own private time, space and thoughts. I took it for granted because it was so readily available. In fact, it was more often the case that I wished there was somebody else in my space.

Life now is very different. There are moments in every day that I wish I could sit in my own space somewhere, for a duration of time that I decide upon and just think quietly. I now have to fight for privacy. I understand that and accept it because I live with two little people that have absolutely no need or desire for anyone's privacy, including their own.

I wonder how we evolve into beings that seek privacy. Aaron and Adrian don't ever seem to need it so its not a need we're born with. Mike had an insightful post on dogs yesterday. Several of the points describe the behavior of young children and in a very high level and simplistic way, you can say that kids (and dogs) love people and life, without restraint. And maybe, its because they have such a passion for everything and everyone around them that they don't have a need for privacy and can't understand why the (worn out) grown ups do.

One of the most obvious of private spaces is a person's room. Adrian is still sleeping in a cot in our room because its easier for me throughout the night. However, I do have (distant) plans on moving him in with Aaron.

I like the idea of the two of them sharing a room and one day, I thought I'd test what Aaron's reaction might be. He surprised me. I thought he would be protective of his space, his toys and HIS things in general. But instead, he became very excited. When we talked about re-arranging his room to include another bed for Adrian, Aaron looked at me and said "What for? Can't he just sleep on my bed with me? I'll sleep on the outside so he won't fall off."

I'm sure that one day, probably not too long from now, he's going to not only want his own bed but his own room (and then his own house!). But isn't it refreshing to see such openness and a complete lack of the need for personal space? My brother and I shared a room until we were 8 and 10 even though we fought like crazy when we were kids. We also had plenty of good laughs of course. While the need for privacy isn't all that strong, I think its a good thing for siblings to be in each others faces and lives for a few short years. When they do grow to have that need for privacy, I'll respect it.

Life Cycles

When we first moved here, the neighborhood was full of families and older people. The families have grown up, moved away and many of their houses have been torn down and apartment blocks built in their place. And the older people, well, they've also moved on.

So now, we're the only house in our street. There doesn't seem to be many families with children living here now. Most of the apartments appear to be occupied by young singles or couples without kids. The cyclical nature of neighborhoods is definitely apparent here.

The life of a mother to young kids means that I'm home on all Saturday nights. I'm not really a busy body but I do like observing my neighbors and their habits. Its inevitable since the back of our house looks into the living rooms of eight other homes.

This weekend was the ANZAC Day long weekend. And, one of our neighbors had a party on Saturday night. In fact, since we moved back in September, this particular neighbor has had a party on every single public holiday eve so far - Christmas, New Year, Easter and now ANZAC day. The only one that he skipped was Good Friday. This isn't a post complaining about other people's parties.

Its about cycles. The neighborhood is obviously going through the cycle of having younger people, younger families, families and then older people...something like that.

Richard asked me a simple question that made me think of another cycle:

"When was the last time you went to a party?"

I've been to a few parties recently. There was a friend's daughter's first birthday, Aaron's third birthday, another first birthday and my own birthday. Not exactly the types of parties Richard was referring to. And to answer his real question, I would have to say 2005.

I think I'm feeling a tiny bit bummed that I've come full circle with parties. The first one I ever went to was my own first birthday and now, I'm back to attending kiddy parties again. Somewhere in the middle, we had those great parties that my neighbor seems to be enjoying right now. Parties that only start at 10pm and went all the way to tomorrow. The kind with lots of people, lots of music, lots of drinks, LOTS OF CAREFREE FUN looking out for nobody else except myself.

I do see some light at the end of the tunnel because my parents seem to be going to a lot of fun parties, no longer with their kids in tow. And not the day time type of party either. For now, we'll have other kinds of fun with Aaron and Adrian as they start their Party Life Cycles.

Gray Hair Facts

Richard has this awful, awful habit:

We'll be out shopping or something and he'll announce loudly "Hey I see a gray hair! Want me to get it?". He will then proceed to fiddle with my hair, trying to isolate the offending strand and then yanks it out, feeling very pleased with himself. To my dismay, and great embarrassment, this has happened several times while we're on escalators. I usually try to tell him not to do it but he never gets the idea fast enough and I don't want to create too much of a scene and draw even more attention to myself!

The other day, Richard says "Hey! I see a gray hair! No, two. Three. Four. FIVE!!!" Before he could do anything, I walked away. Last night, I finally decided to try to see just where those five strands were. I found MORE than five (and of course yanked them all out). Things are looking 'normal' again but it got me thinking that 'normal' will soon be white and gray strands standing out against my black hair. Supposedly, the average age that men start turning gray 30 and women, 35. I only have another year to the official average age.

So here's what I found out about gray hair:

- Hair is originally white.

- Melanocytes are cells in our hair follicles that generate pigments called melanin. This gives our hair its colour. The more melanin the darker the hair color.

- As we age, the melanocytes produce less melanin making the hair transparent. It is this transparency against the healthier, darker hair that gives the appearance of 'gray' hair. (Does this mean that light haired people will go gray later since their hair colour requires less melanin? That isn't fair!)

- Its false that if you pluck one gray hair, two more will grow back.

- Gray hair can also be the result of a medical condition. If you are deficient in B12 or suffer from a thyroid imbalance it can also cause your hair to go Gray.

- Smokers are 4 times more likely to have gray hair than nonsmokers and smoking has been conclusively linked to accelerated hair loss.

Supposedly, the way you go gray is hereditary. I think my grandmother had almost all gray hair by the time she was forty. I also remember my mother coloring her hair at home from around forty so I guess it won't be long now. At least gray hair is better than no hair.

Thought Progression

Its Australia Day today. Many people are probably having a barbecue or hanging out with friends somewhere but we spent the afternoon at the local shopping center instead.

The past few days have been quite hot so we've been spending time in air conditioned places like the malls, libraries, art galleries and museums. Today, I spent the afternoon just sitting around one of the local malls.

I had a book with me but I ended up doing a lot of people watching and reflecting on my life. Being a mother this second time around has been completely different.

With Aaron, I hardly left the house for nearly three months. There were several reasons for this. We lived in Klang and there was really nowhere to go to. Aaron almost never slept, day or night. I didn't have time for showers let alone the internet. It took a long time for all the healing from labor to get done. I really didn't enjoy those early days at all and felt miserable in my cocoon of dealing with baby 24hours a day with no distractions.

This time round, I am really able to enjoy the baby. Sure, he has his sleep the wrong way and tends to be up at night time but its not so bad. I'm also a much more relaxed mother and have no expectations of keeping to schedules or fears of spoiling the baby. I have experience :) In fact, I'm loving being a mother of two!

Anyway, today, I found myself thinking "If only I started having babies when I was younger. I think I might like to have more than two". Its a strange thought for me to have because up until I was 30 years old, I insisted that I never wanted to have any children. And then after Aaron, there was a time where he was the confirmation that I wouldn't want to deal with any more than one child. But now, its probably too late for me, I've been telling myself (since I was 30 years old) that I wouldn't have any children after 35.

Oh well, you never know what the future holds. In 10 years or so, when I have teenagers, I might start wishing that I had stuck with my pre-30s thinking.

Old Friends Becoming New Friends

When I was at university, I had three extremely close friends - two guys and another girl. For five years, we had classes together every day and often met up on Saturdays as well. I'd like to say that we were inseparable but there were at least two brief periods within the five years that the group 'broke up', oozing immature anger and animosity. Thankfully, our final year together was a good one. These are people that I truly cared about and who cared for me. They had seen me at all my lows, highs, and remained true friends even when I was pig-headed and immature.

I left Australia immediately after graduation but we still managed to keep in close contact for many years. Each time I visited Brisbane and we hung out, things were always like old times. It only started evolving as we started getting married. And once there were kids in the picture, we were really down to the two emails on birthdays and Christmas each year.

Of course, each time I visited Brisbane, we still met up and tried to re-capture old times. And, its no different now. I've met up with them and everybody seems keen to get reacquainted. I mean, we have such good memories of each other but life took over and we all moved in different paths. Its almost like meeting new friends except that you have this expectation that you will click because you have in the past.

I went shopping for a birthday present for one of them today and I had no idea what to get. I thought hard about things from the past and all I came up with was that we had an old joke about him liking pink umbrellas and that he was a tea drinker. This was a guy that had told me everything about every girlfriend he had. I used to know everything about him and I was, at one time, the expert on what made him happy. It was a little saddening to feel that I knew nothing about him now. I hope he's still a tea drinker because I ended up getting him a teapot that sits on top of a tea cup.

We're all meeting up again this Saturday and I hope we'll continue to get together so that we can get past this stage of getting reacquainted. I know that we'll have to find some sort of new balance and that will take time. The fact that there are spouses around now seems to keep everyone a little more distant too. Its strange to feel the same level of awkwardness with these old friends as I would meeting up with new friends. I hope I make a good re-impression!

Would you think of food....

...on your deathbed?

My father and I have very similar tastes when it comes to food. And, our tastes are almost the complete opposite to my mother's. I wouldn't be too far off if I said that my mother thinks of food purely as a source of nutrients to keep her body functioning - and thats all. She rarely craves any sort of food and tries to tell us that things like brown rice with stirfried vegetables (with no seasoning) is as satisfying as something like Peking Duck.

I'm not judging my mother here, just making observations. If she has really convinced herself, or perhaps she really does enjoy food like that, then good for her because she has a super healthy diet and she keeps the rest of us in line too. My father and I are healthy eaters too 80% of the time but that tends to work towards us planning extra tasty and perhaps slightly less healthy meals every now and then.

We had a particularly tasty and unhealthy meal today and my father and I were going on about how good everything tasted (my mother didn't eat the unhealthy bits). One thing led to another and eventually, we were having a discussion about how my father will have many more rich (and tasty) encounters to remember on his deathbed as compared to my mother because she didn't take pleasure in food.

Anyway, as always, my parents provide a good balance in our family and while both my parents agreed that they would probably not be thinking of food on their deathbeds, it has left me wondering what I would be thinking about.

I do think about food a lot of the time and its not inconceivable that I might think of some last minute tastes I'd like to have in my mouth. Maybe that might be the case if I were to live a long and fulfilling life. But if the end was to be right now, I think all I'd be thinking of would be Aaron. And it would probably be selfish thoughts like how I wouldn't be able to cuddle him anymore instead of worrying about him not having me around to raise him.

What morbid thoughts!! But, its good to think about things like this once in awhile. It makes me overlook things like Aaron's whining and helps me take the gentler approach to stopping those noises.

Snowball of Slackness

I chat with my brother almost everyday and each day, the conversation starts out exactly the same way.

"Halo. What are you doing?"
"Nothing. You?"
"Nothing"

It doesn't matter who starts the conversation, the first three lines almost always look like this. Then today, it went quite differently. Amongst other things, he said:

"...you're supposed to be busy and stuff..."

"...you can sit down for a few minutes when you're giving birth, otherwise GET BACK TO WORK..."

"...you're considered two people right? so you should work doubly hard!"

"...you also eat for two, so there should be more workload out of you. No point feeding if output is the same..."

Of course, he was just having some fun. He's a great uncle and I'm sure he's excited about another little one to play with. We used to fight like crazy growing up but now, we chat all the time. Sometimes with nothing much to say, other times with more serious stuff, and then there are times like this with the fun stuff.

Anyway, I have news for him. Today, I have had the slackest of slack days. Somehow, after blogging about this pregnancy yesterday I felt that I could just slack off. Of course, I was already starting to before that but today has been one big bludge of a day. I know there really isn't any entitlement to slacking just because one is pregnant but circumstances were so accommodating today.

With the water situation, we couldn't do any laundry. So, no hanging the clothes out or bringing them back in to be folded either.

We ended up going swimming at Novotel yesterday evening just so we could have showers there. And that led to dinner out as well. So, all the food I cooked for dinner yesterday was kept for lunch today. Another chore, not needed to be done.

Thats the end of the unavoidable slackness. From then on, I did it all by myself.

The plants didn't get watered because it looked cloudy.

No toys were picked up during the day. It happened to be in one corner and didn't look all that messy.

We ate biscuits on the floor and the crumbs went everywhere. I still haven't got around to cleaning that up. Maybe the ants will help me.

I gave Aaron a shower, washed his hair and used the shampoo suds to soap him.

Those few simple acts of slackness seem to have made the day a lot easier. Its getting close to dinner time and there's no avoiding the work there I guess. Well, I know I'm going to steam tofu, so at least that one is an easy dish.

How many hours are there in your day?

Supposedly, we all have 24 hrs in each of our days. Well, I have news for you. I think I've already gone through 24 hrs even though the sun hasn't quite set and I woke up at sunrise today. And you all know, I live in Palembang and not some place with those endless days. Today has been SO. INCREDIBLY. SLOW.

Several weeks ago, one of my friends (a new mom) said something along the lines of "The days are so slow!". Oh, how I can identify with that. And I'm no longer a new mom. This strange stretching out of the day is probably the aspect of motherhood that I least expected.

Before Aaron was born, people kept asking me to go out, enjoy myself, go out for dinner with Richard, and other things like that. They said that once the baby came, there will be no time for any of that. Now, wouldn't you get the impression that the little bundle of joy was going to keep you so occupied (as in busy doing one thing or other) that you didn't have time to do anything else?

In a way, that was true. I was and still am kept occupied the whole day long. I try my best to keep each day productive and have our activities lined up, but every so often, there is a day like today. It start extra early, and since I didn't plan properly, I ran out of activities early. This kind of day usually coincides with a day that Aaron doesn't feel like independent play. And also, it happened to be a day we didn't have access to the car. All I felt like doing is sleeping/surfing the internet/reading but all he wanted was to play play play. So, the "compromise" is sitting on the floor, trying to play and watching the minutes slowly creep by.

So you see, its true that there is no time to do anything because I was kept busy the whole day long. But really, I have done absolutely nothing today. Busy for nothing, doing nothing.

***

You wouldn't believe it! I got to that last "nothing" and the power went out. It wasn't a power trip either, but a neighborhood wide blackout. That was two hours and a half hours ago of extra slow time. Funny thing is that I managed to put Aaron to sleep about an hour ago and now, after sitting in darkness, doing nothing, I'm fully recharged and no longer feeling lethargic. I'm ready for tomorrow.

The 101 Things To Do List

Last year, I came to know about the 101 things in 1001 days from zero_zero_one's blog. The idea immediately appealed to me and I started work on my list. Making the list was much harder than I thought it would be and I actually took a couple of months to complete it. It really made me think that all this staying at home had made me into a lazy bum for not having anything that I wanted to do. I felt good when it was done and I looked forward to crossing things off. Bad luck! Our hard disk crashed and I lost everything! I backed up things like photos but this list was on the desktop....and alone. Somehow, I just didn't have the motivation to make another list and I left it.

Recently I started reading "How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be" by Jack Canfield. He's the guy that wrote the "Chicken Soup For The Soul" series (which I really really did not enjoy). Every so often, I enjoy reading one of those books that tells you about focusing and getting your life on track (and then I forget LOL!).

Anyway, once again, this book suggested a list of 101 things. This time, the time frame was much longer - you have until death to do them. So, I started working on that list last week. I'm only up to item 64!!! I'm starting to wonder whats wrong with me. The list has a lot of places that I want to visit, several things I want to learn how to do (including make shoes), a few materialistic things and a few of those ideas I had for helping the underprivileged. I didn't want to put down simply anything just to make up the list. For example, I had the fleeting thought of sky diving but then I thought about it again and I don't really want to do it. I also don't want to put down some of the "smaller" things like "read The Kite Runner", which I had on my 101 things in 1001 days list.

Have I become so unambitious? Am I so complacent in life that I can't even think of things that I want to do before I die? Or have I just become boring? Older? Unimaginative? Narrow minded? Maybe I've lost some brain cells and I just can't think anymore?

Anyway, this has been frustrating me today. I'm giving myself a couple more days and then I'm moving forward with the book. So be it if I only have a list of 64 things!

MLM-ers scare me!

You all know what MLM is right? Multi Level Marketing? Those pyramid schemes that promise unimaginable wealth without needing to do much work at all?

I acknowledge that there have been many success stories (and I applaud those people). But for each success, there must be hundreds of downline hopefuls that just fizzle out. And while they are fizzling out, they're probably making many of their friends and family avoid them.

Back in Malaysia, there was a period of time where meeting up with friends became a little like navigating through a landmine. You were never sure just which get together was going to blow out into an MLM sales pitch and hold you hostage for the next 2 hours.

These people were often friends. I liked them. I wanted them to like me. So, I used to be polite. Make a lame attempt to buy the product and "think about joining up" later. But of course, these people are motivated, enthusiastic and chased down every lead. I ended up avoiding those people.

Things have been quiet on the MLM front since we moved here. Although, I admit thinking that the market potential must be huge with the large population size here.

Anyway, an MLM-er has emerged here in Palembang. The difference this time is that I am genuinely happy for that person because it looks like one of the success stories. However, I am older and wiser. I have made it clear up front that I don't get into these things and never will. This is just not something for me. I can't sell anything. I couldn't pretend to sell anything. I don't want to convince other people to sell things. And more importantly, I don't want the few friends I have to shun me! I know I won't be avoiding my friend but I'm stronger these days. Not getting into that pyramid.

I do have a gripe about the product here in Palembang though. The sales pitch is definitely misleading potential customers. Its a hobby of mine to try to double check claims that MLM brochures make. But, I'm not in it and its not my place to point anything out.

Long Days Can Be A Good Thing

A couple of days ago, a close friend and I were chatting over Skype and she mentioned that life expectancy in China was only 35 years in 1952. She is living in Shanghai at the moment and I said that if she lived then, she only had a year left. Immediately, she came back with a statement that she would only have a few months to live, not a year!

I'm 32 right? RIGHT? Wrong! I had automatically added on two years from my own age to get hers. However, I forgot that I'll be turning 33 in the next few days. Funnily, this is the age that I always wanted to be. Well, when I was 19, I thought I wanted to be 33. I imagined that by the time I was 33, I would definitely not be doing any exams and I would have my life in order and be living happily every after.

Anyway, the conversation with my friend went along the lines of how time flies. She mentioned wanting to push the "Pause" button. At the time, I responded that I didn't feel I needed to.

I've been thinking a lot about that conversation. Why wouldn't I want to "Pause" things? I definitely also feel that time has zoomed by much quicker than anticipated. My friend and I used to be 12 and 14, staying out past midnight after Christmas caroling. Yet, I find that the past few years have gone by at the "correct" pace.

Maybe the snail's pace speed of life here in Palembang has its advantages after all. Our days start at 5am and drag, seemingly endlessly, until 8pm and then it speeds up a little until 11pm each night. I often find myself sitting and staring at Aaron, wondering what we can do next. It gets frustrating and boring at times but maybe this is really our chance to take things slow and savor each day. [I'm trying to convince myself here :)]

We won't be here forever and once we move away, I am sure it will be to a place with lots more to do. Perhaps I will go back to work someday. Working would definitely contribute to time zooming by again because I might end up back in the pre-baby lifestyle - surviving until the next deadline!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that being a stay at home mom, especially one in a quiet place like Palembang, is challenging but is full of potential. I know I waste a lot of my days being hot and grumpy. And I regret it at the end of the day. I just need to remember to be to be positive and see each day as an opportunity. Opportunities for small chunks of accomplishment are still counted as opportunities.

It sounds like one of those posts where I'm talking to myself isn't it? Well...thats what staying at home does to a person :)

Where do I go from here?

I've been trying to catch my friends online to wish them "Gong Xi Fa Cai" (A direct translation would be something like "Congratulations, Prosper")

I always ask "How are you?". Its not just something to ask, I really mean it. I want to know how they're doing. The majority of the responses so far have been something along the lines of "Busy". But, they're not busy with the Chinese New Year festivities. THAT would have been expected. Instead, it seems that every one I know is busy, up to their eyeballs or swamped with work.

I noticed this one commonality across all my friends because I started to feel that I was disturbing them all with my middle of the day invitations to chat.

These people are working hard. They are achieving goals. They are being productive. They are adding to the foundations for their future careers and lives. Actually, they've probably already graduated from the foundations and are moving upwards by now.

What am I doing?

Yes, at this very moment, I am doing exactly what I want to do. I love my job and work hard at it. I often take offense (inwardly) when people comment that I have the luxury of sitting around all day and taking off on a holiday whenever I feel like it. Its the privilege that I have with my current job.

A problem with the current job is that I'm basically a contract worker. The day will come when the contract won't need to be renewed. The other problem is that it doesn't seem to come with any career pathing. I know that I will be (or perhaps I already am) obsolete in the job market and I accept that. Hence the question "Where do I go from here?"

Do I really want to go back to the workforce? I don't think so. Not 9-5 type anyway. But, I do want to be productive. I might live another 67 years till I'm 90. I HAVE to do something with my life. And, it would be nice if I could contribute to the family income.

What can I do? What will I do? What do I want to do?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

This is one of those posts where I have no answer or final closing point. Just thinking out loud. Not fretting, just trying to think ahead.

Exponential Defiance

I've mentioned before that I don't have a stressful life. I do find that I have a lot of tension in me though. Probably from the daily frustration of needing to repeat instructions multiple times before getting any sort of response. And, this has been increasing exponentially in recent days.... [Yes, I know they don't call it the terrible twos for nothing]

Firstly, I have to say that Aaron is a really great little guy for 99% of the day. He is truly funny, helpful, quick to learn and a pleasure to be around. But for 1% of the day, I could really just throw him in the store room under the stairs and lock the door. I haven't done that of course but he gets me so mad.

Its as if he has to fill a quota of defying me each day. He could be happily picking up his toys and will come to the last one, then refuse to move it the 30cm left to place them IN the cupboard. The intensity of his refusal then spirals upwards at an unimaginably fast rate. Before I know it, he's crying/sobbing as if I had really locked him in the store room. I've noticed this happening over the most trivial of non-issues! And, its happening more frequently. (He's 2 years, 3 months and 21 days old)

Anyway, I'm big on exercise and have always known that a good workout session fixes any day. Recently, I've found a SUPERB way for quick release of all tension and bringing on a immediate smile.

I've been going for this gym class called Body Attack (It attacks my body by making me jump/hop/bop/lunge on the spot for 55 minutes). Somewhere towards the end of the class, there is a very short section, probably no more than a minute and a half where there are sequences of jumping up and stomping down hard with both feet. Just like a toddler in the middle of a tantrum. I LOVE IT! You all must try it. Do it on a wooden floor with sports shoes on. It makes a lot of noise and it feels great. Once I'm back in Palembang, I'll have to do this all by myself. OR maybe I'll just join in with Aaron if he ever throws a tantrum!

The Irony of Alone Time to a Mom

One of my frequent complaints about being a mom to a 2 yr old is that I never get any time to myself. I don't think I verbalize this complaint much but I definitely think it A LOT.

The past few weeks have actually been great because my mother has been looking after Aaron in the mornings so that I can get to the gym. I usually rush there and back, sometimes stopping to pick up groceries. All in all, I'm probably gone for 1.5 hrs. And let me tell you, I have been enjoying every minute of that time to myself. The solitary drive in the car, the freedom to walk without "Aaron herding" and of course the time working out.

The gym is in a shopping center and I often look into the shops but never stop to browse. And of course, I wish to myself (many times) that I will one day be able to shop like I used to. To wander aimlessly. To spend too long in the book section. To try on the clothes instead of just holding it out and looking at it.

Well, that day came today. My mother wanted to take Aaron somewhere so she needed the car and would drop me off a little earlier and then would pick me up again later. I thought "Great! I can shop. Maybe go to the library as well. AND, I can get to the gym"

I got there and headed first to the library. I looked for a book I saw on the e-catalog, not there, looked through the magazine section, read one article on how to get sexy hair in 5 minutes and then thought, I'd better leave so I can look through the shops. I zoomed out and made a beeline for the shops that I had taken mental note of. They were probably covered in 10 minutes.

I looked at my watch and I was still 30 mins early for my class.

What now?

I honestly didn't know what I wanted to do with that time. Wandering aimlessly through the shops wasn't as enjoyable as I remembered it to be. I had done all I thought I wanted to do and there was time left over. I wracked my brain and remembered that it would be nice to get Aaron a Wiggles magazine. The newsagents didn't carry any. 25 minutes left.

In the end, I gave up and just went early to the gym to do some cardio first. All the time thinking "Am I sure there is nothing else I want to do. I have all this bonus alone time. Its what I long for. Why am I not using it????"

I think I should just put it down to motherhood making me more efficient with my time and less frivolous with my wants.

Cheer, Routines and Walnuts

This evening, a friend commented that I sounded "cheerful". This led me to wonder about my "cheerfulness" each day. Life here is fun. EVERY DAY. I'm cheery all the time!

I definitely don't have a stressful lifestyle (here or anywhere else). My life is often tiring but its not particularly hectic. The best word that I can use to describe it is "routine". It is full of routines revolving around Aaron.

This is especially true in Palembang. I've forgotten what it feels like now but I know that our time in Palembang is often less cheery that what we have here in Brisbane. The routines are more routine than ever over there. Its a little like Groundhog Day over there. And, spending the whole day being cheery with Aaron often leaves me with zero cheer at the end of the day for anybody else.

I think next year is going to be better. I know a few more people and Aaron is a very talkative companion now. Plus, I have several new ideas to try out.

Still, I need to do things to remind myself to have fun and enjoy each day. Sometimes, forcing yourself to be cheerful (when you don't feel like it) and purposely finding something to laugh about is all thats needed to make a day that little bit brighter. I think I sound a little like a self help website, but I'm genuinely starting to think about things like this because we'll be back in Palembang in a little over a month and the routine will start again.

Alright, enough of that. All it needs is planning and I'm starting now. So, let me leave you with something funny I heard this morning. It has been floating around my head the whole day and has been adding to the giggles I've had.

At the gym class, the instructor said something like "OK. Squeeze your butts. Pretend that you are trying to crack a walnut!" I just can't get that imagery out of my head.....

When I grow up a little more, I want to be a ...

I have a very vivid memory of myself as a 5 yr old saying "When I grow up, I want to be a hairdresser". That idea was quickly quashed by my mother saying that my hands will be completely ruined by all the hair products.

Then when I was 7, I wanted to be a nurse. Unfortunately, back then, my mother didn't really encourage my interests in nursing either. With the shortage of nurses today, she's singing a different tune now.

After that, I was basically one of those people with no idea what they wanted to be when they 'grew up'. I went through phases of saying I wanted to be an occupational therapist, a social worker, a doctor and a radiographer. You'll notice that all those are health related.

Instead, I ended up studying engineering and business. I don't even really remember why I put that double degree course down as one of my choices. It may be purely because it was one of the first combined degrees around these parts at the time. So, was it merely for the fun of it? I really don't know. Fortunately, I did have fun.

My current job gives me the opportunity to be hairdresser, nurse, occupational therapist and social worker all on the same day. Some days, I'm also a doctor but there are no x-ray equipment in the house so, I haven't been a radiographer yet.

I'm trying to think ahead to when Aaron starts school and I get some time to myself again. Is there something that I really want to try my hand at? I don't mind going back to school to learn something new. So far there is one thing that I have found interesting and could potentially be a work-at-home job on a flexible schedule. I would never have thought of it when I was thinking of careers the first time around.

A lactation consultant.

Don't laugh readers, many women with newborns will tell you that these people are more important to survival than doctors!

Preliminary research shows that I may need to train as a nurse first though. So, after 25 years, we're back to Square 2. Its still just an idea.....